Alright blog, here goes my first entry this year. The last time i visited you was when i excitedly wrote about receiving my US visa. And i am now getting the taste of American dream, which is not really a good dream nor a nightmare. You don’t wanna know about the interim, do you? I’m not even interested to go back in time and write down the events following the visa issuance.

I want you to know that I am now on my 3rd month working as a registered nurse here, in a pediatric hospital. The first month I should say was expectedly scary and tough. Thank God, I am with the company of two pinay nurses who were relocated from California. To top it off, I was assigned to a Filipino preceptor, who also happens to speak the same local dialect that i do. He is a good teacher with a gregarious personality. I didn’t have to worry about changing preceptors like others had experienced, and go into trouble of teaching their idiosyncrasies or nursing styles.

“How do you like it so far? Do you have other concerns you want to talk about?” These are what supervisors and nurse managers often ask me. Almost everybody seems to be cordial and welcoming– some  of the many traits I like from them. They always make me feel welcomed and one of them. I wished Filipinos had the same cordiality to stranger. 

Back home i had very limited nursing experience with pediatrics; and I never had imagined becoming a pediatric nurse until three days prior to my departure to US (FYI, i was supposed to work in an Emergency unit in Arizona, but the staffing was abruptly changed just prior to going to US). I was trained to be a medical surgical nurse, and my heart clings to that.

So how do i really like it thus far?  Well, taking care of kids with very special needs makes me appreciate life even more. Seeing kids and neonates striving each day to go on with their lives evokes your humane nature. Call it a cliche, but caring for these kids is more rewarding.

The long wait’s gonna be over, soon. I just had my consular appointment yesterday and the words “Congratulations, your visa is approved. Good luck to United States” gave me a raging surge of electric jolt. It felt like as if the thorn that’s been keeping me tachycardic and hopeless has finally been removed.

As of the moment I have not really internalized the whole thing, like should I begin to pack now? should I prepare for the uniforms and whatever chorva… not until I see my passport-with-the-visa right before my very eyes. LOL.

So that’s it, I’m a bit laconic this time. Abangan ang susunod na kabanata.

Please bring me that JO safe! Waitng for this is actually tormenting and exhausting.

It’s a physical compulsion, coupled with mental obsession. I mean I have the distinct physical desire to consume it beyond my capacity to control it, and in defiance of all rules of common sense. I do not know when or how to stop it. And most often, I do not seem to have sense enough to know when not to begin.

I take it for many reasons: entertainment, as a refuge from pain, to escape dealing with problems, or to fill-in emptiness when I’m depressed. Somewhere along the way I realized that it was becoming a bigger problem than the problems I was trying to avoid. The medicine became the poison. The solution became the problem. I was out of control.

This addiction is like riding a roller coaster. Once started, it is nearly impossible to stop. And when I try to stop, the awful process of withdrawal racks my body and twists my mind even worst.

I have taken many solemn pledges. I have enrolled myself to self-help groups. I have tried taking it only during certain hours. But none of these plans ever worked.

I have been going through stages of dark despair when I consider that there is something wrong with me mentally. I hated myself for it. I am not becoming healthy anymore.

And now, it has reached the point where it worries me a bit. I need to stop. But how could I turn my back on something that I have allowed to dominate my life for so many years? How could I succeed now where I have failed a thousand times before?

I’m sure, if you were in my shoes, it would have been the same story. Who can resist the taste of…

it’s addicting!

In a not-so-remote past, a Colombian soap opera “Yo Soy, Betty La Fea” awed the Filipino audience… but excluding me. I knew that it’s all about the comedic and dramatic struggle of a dorky smart girl working in a top fashion magazine company. I never had the chance to finish the soap because I was busy as a student then. But then again the soap had been re-running in the television screen until now.

Just recently, ABS-CBN remakes the Fernando Gaitán original. The pinoy version has been airing since June 2008, and I had only a chance of viewing it. It was unintentional. It’s not that I don’t believe in pinoy acting industry, but I’m a little thrown up by seeing the same faces over and over again in primetime show. The show doesn’t really capture the glamour feel, plus Betty and the rest of the dorks are so chaka, as in OA chakaness.

I honestly love the American Betty, because of her innocent dorky appearance and her jocose spirit to battle out the backbiting, fashion-conscious, world of Manhattan-based MODE Magazine. Some viewers said that the American version is like a spin-off of the original. And I guess it is– it’s like a breath of fresh air. Though it’s a remake, but the events are different and paradoxically original. Besides, i always hated the Colombian Betty’s hoarse voice and anemic complexion.

But I’m taking this mental note of mine: how would the American Betty be transformed into a bombshell, considering the lead actress, America Ferrera, in my opinion, is not-that-sexy lovely woman? The Filipino and Colombian version, Bea Alonzo and Ana María Orozco, respectively, are already-beautiful and sexy ladies. Go google them.

I am addressing the question to myself and probably some nurses and workers toiling their way to USA, or commonly referred to as the States. Is the pasture in there really greener? What happens now to the great American dream, considering the States is groping it’s way out of the financial crisis?…or should I say financial terrorism? Will the $700bn Bailout save the crippling economy of the land of Liberty?

Ahh, why am I so concerned? As an average Filipino consumer, I think I should worry. “Philippines will inevitably suffer the implications of the US crisis” somebody said. I am no economist nor do I have the eye to analyze Wall Street issues and the likes, I think there is truth to that hunch. I mean, come on, Philippines is linked to the US and global economy. This is a country with basic weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

But if you are like me who is hoping of finding a better life in the world’s prosperous nation, I think I should be concerned, too. Will I get to taste the life I’ve been dreaming of as far as quality of life is concerned?

Poor Juana.

Instead of trying to take a bite out of the burger as a whole, I cut it into smaller pieces. And then savored each slice. However, I won’t get that “condiment smile,” where the ketchup and mustard is stretched all across the cheeks –which is messy and a little unappetizing. I dont care how stupid I look, but guess what? I loved every single munch of it.

I googled on some research studies if the phrase “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is statistically proven to be accurate. Well, i stumbled upon this article entitling “Why You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks: Cognitive Lock-In”.

I also remembered i have an old video tape about this old dog issue. Is it difficult to make someone change the way they do something when they have been doing it the same way for a long time?

Profession-wise, age is really an issue because it influences respect, and i have not statistically validated that (it’s purely hypothesis). When i started out in this career, I was the youngest among the faculty, and I had an age issue. During the job interview, I was asked how will I maintain professionalism considering I had a narrow age gap with the students. The question was really about my ability to direct over and delineate myself from my subordinates considering I was young to supervise. It connotes that there is really something about age. Come to think of it, who naturally is respected, the young or the old? I don’t know, but i think we are prone to initially judge the book by it’s cover.

But I knew I was not handicapped. I can teach and I have the skills, however novice I am in this profession. It all boils down to management and confidence. After all, nurses are trained to supervise and manage patients in all walks of life, from womb to tomb.

Going back to the unfortunate tale, I relflected on the challenge entailed to supervising seasoned individuals. Here is the question that rambled in my head: No offense meant, but, can you really teach an old dog new tricks?